I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
