i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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