the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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