Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
