You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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