My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
