Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
