I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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