I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
