I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
