Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
