Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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