Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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