I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
