I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
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I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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