dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
