Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
