I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
farters have to be the big spoon...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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