I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
