I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
