We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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