Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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