My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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