So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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