Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
