On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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