Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
