I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
