you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
