i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
