omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
