remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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