I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
