whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
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My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
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Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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