Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
