Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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