now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
