i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
