So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
