Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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