Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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