When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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