It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
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slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We have started to decorate penises.
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You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize