tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
