I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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