apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
