my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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