You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
