forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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