my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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