My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
