I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
