did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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