Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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