Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
