she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
