I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
