can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
