I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
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im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
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That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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