____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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