I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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