god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
